Some Assembly Required.

As I was washing the dishes, pondering all the mishaps of the day behind me, Nica said something that started my brain on one of its random tangents that it can't just forget. "I surround myself with broken people." Just a statement made, but a comment later and I was on the road to writing this post. Just because we haven't found who we are supposed to be yet doesn't mean we are broken, it simply means that all our pieces haven't made their way into place yet. Some people with those pieces haven't made their way into our lives. The nuts and screws of realization haven't occurred and come into being yet. They aren't there to take all the piled chaos of who we are and make it into the wonderful masterpiece we were meant to be. If you don't want to take the time to wait out our construction and development, then you can give us our piece/peace and be on your way. We aren't broken, we simply need assembled.

Roses

For some one who hates roses I sure do have a lot of them.
" You hate the smell, not the look." You stated back in a matter of seconds. With that one statement, my mind started on a whole new tangent. I love the idea of things, but when it actually comes time for these things to be put into place, I'm not so sure anymore. I love seeing things, agreeing with them, talking about how wonderful they are. However I hardly go into the process to go after these things. Take love for instance, I enjoy the idea of finding that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I don't have the feel for that sort of commitment. It might not be the fact that I don't even have the commitment but that I am too terrified to go after what I truly want in life. I want you, all of you. I want you forever. The thing is I'm to scared to admit that to myself half the time, let alone admit that to you. All I really want is for you to realize I actually love roses. Sure they stink, but anything good in life always does, it's hard, it takes effort, and you may get pricked by a thorn here or there, but in the long run, it's always worth it.

Pain-Killers

As I was sitting in my room, alone, staring at the computer screen, a sudden realization occurred to me. Everyone dies. I knew this, everyone knows this simple fact. I've had family and friends die before, some classmates. I never really saw the grand idea of death though. One day my mom is going to die. I never really thought about this fact. She is my best friend, a world without her doesn't even seem plausible, let alone possible. My friends... which one of us will die first? I hope that I am the last to go. Not for any selfish reasons, like to have more time and have a long happy life, but because I couldn't bear to know my friends are going through so much grief and loss. I don't want them to have to go through the pain of losing those they care about. I also realized that people generally move on from those things, it's almost as if someone equally important was put into your life to prepare you for their deaths. I still can't imagine the torture of losing my best friends. The new people never really heal you, they're kind of just a pain-killer. I'm thankful for those people, someone to ease us out of our depression, someone who is going to care for us as much as we cared for our lost one. I think I have coined a new term for meeting new people, in my mind they will forever be known as pain-killers. As a side note this isn't an entirely sad Blog, I just started it on a depressing week.

So much has changed.

I just feel defenseless to stop it. I feel like I am standing still as everyone races past me, knowing where they are going and what they are doing. I don't. I'm stuck. I don't feel like the fish that is trying to go the wrong way up the river, I feel like the fish whose tail got stuck under the rock and all her friends kept on going and didn't even notice. I'm not saying that my friends don't care, what I am saying however is that it looks like they have it all together. That they know what they want out of life, and they are on their way to getting it. I remember being a little kid, I always knew what I wanted to be, knew how simple it was going to be. They lie to you as kids, they sugar-coat life, tell you how amazing it is, and from then on out you can't wait to grow up. I was one of those kids, I wanted to be a grown-up more than anything else. Now, I wish I could go back, I wish my only worry in life was whether or not I was "it" in tag, or if I could find another spot in the next game of hide-n-seek. I miss that. I miss all of it. I wish I had took the time to burn those memories into my mind. Most of them have depleted. Just been forgotten. I didn't think they would be that important. Boy, was I wrong. So here I am today, the person who didn't realize that friendship was important until her Junior year in high school. The person who feels alone at every corner. The sad thing is, I have no one to blame but myself.