In a dream, far, far away.

I am living in a big city, Chicago, or Seattle. Somewhere wonderful. With a nice college. Having my major decided and all the good jazz. Taking up drawing and photography on my down time. Working as a part time barista and a full time student, studying architecture or business, or hell even going to an art or medical school, even music would suit me. That's the problem though, I want to do everything but I also have this tiny little fear that prevents me from doing almost everything. I am afraid of failing. So how can I fail something if I never try it? Isn't that failing in and of itself? I can bring myself to actually see it like that though. I want to, I want to believe that failing at something won't be the end of the world. And hell even if it was the end of my world, it wouldn't be that bad, I don't have much going on. I have a full time job as a housekeeper, granted I do like my job, but there's no room for advancement in this field. It's like being a gas attendant. Among the things I want to do I can't decide which one is really my life dream. Maybe all of them are. I want my own B&B, and coffee shop, and bakery, I want to remodel houses. I want to have a family and a husband, but I never want to get married. I want to be a like a nomad, modernly. I want to move from Hawaii to London. From Arizona to Alaska. I want to move. I want to be an author. I love writing, I wish I had time for it. I wish I had ambition, I wish I had realized that all of this would matter in highschool. I wish I hadn't been so rebellious to choosing my life back then. Now look at me, I'm living in my parents garage. Skipping a term of school. Working full time, twenty miles away with no license, so I am dependent on everybody to help me out. I want to be independent, I want to be able to say I can and did do this. I want to live. I want to have a life that I created for myself. I want to start over. Here is my ambition and passion. Its coming out, and I don't know how it is going to react with the world or if I can control it. But I can't keep living like this. I'm the only one who can really help myself. So here I am reaching out, to myself? Fighting for my chance from now on. I won't stop until I get what I want. What I need. Time to make life real.

Just trying to make it work...

that's all I've been doing.

All this time, I have been looking for a job, hoping to get out on my own, but I know that I can't just say "I just started this job, let me move out today." I am using common sense, apartments require deposits, and what about furniture, about all the bills we'll have to pay, and you think we are ready, with nothing to fall back on. You're being flat out ridiculous, just because I think we should save some money and move out the beginning of August, you think I don't care about what you want. If what you want is to fall flat on your face, don't drag me with you. I want to be prepared, and capable of acquiring the things I need or want. I can't just jump at the chance to move when I haven't even got my first legitimate paycheck.

I'm not saying you have to stay and wait for me, if what you need is to move out now, and you truly believe you can do it, then go ahead. I'm not stopping you. I'm just not going to tag along, like a chicken with its head cut off. I know its hard for you, so if my permission is what you want ( I won't say need, because I don't think it matters that much to you,) then here it is. Maybe when I am ready to move out, when I have a savings to fall back on if something happens, maybe we can still live together. For now do what you have to. Isn't that what you've been doing all along anyway. Don't blame your problems on other people anymore, they're your problems, grab a hold of them, face them, and get rid of them. Stop making the rest of us feel guilty because your life isn't perfect.

And then there was two.

If you care to notice the title of my blog, you will understand the title of this post. I will warn you now, if mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey feelings make you nauseous, than avoid stop all further reading immediately.

I recently came to the conclusion that I need to stop pushing him away, when all I want is to be closer to him. It doesn't matter if I think he deserves so much more than me, he chose me. He'll forever choose me. And I couldn't love him more for that decision alone. The way he still wants me, when I hate myself, when I hate him most days. The way I point out everything he does wrong, and he believes it is a good thing, and how I push him to be a better person. Or at least try. I love how he will play with my hair until I point out that he is doing it. I adore the way he will just stare at me for minutes in silence, and its not awkward. And how intimate things can be between us without it being physical. I love all of those things and more, but what I don't love, is that it takes us breaking up for me to remember these things, and why I want to live with him, and one day marry him, and eventually have a family of my own with him. He doesn't know all that, not exactly. But I do. And the day I get to say those three letters, I won't feel like I am saying that I am his property, but that we can not be separated, no matter the distance between us. We will always be together, until forever.

Some things we do need to work on, and every couple does, there is always room for improvement, until you're laying next to each other under an old willow tree, and there is nothing left in this world but a memory of your love, that will forever linger. I want that, a love so strong and passionate, that people will talk about it for years and years after our death. When I imagine us, it comes out as a fifties sort of video, we have such a young and timid, yet incredibly strong and passionate love. I imagine myself in that era a lot, not because of any desire to be there, but we fit the look. I started this paragraph about our struggles, and I shall get back on that topic. We may be too passionate, and some people may call it lust, I did recently, but more thought into it, and came to the conclusion that I do love him. I was afraid that I was only lusting after him. I have now found that I believe that all love has a little lust. Another thing, is we need to grow up, we need to get our lives together, but I am realizing that with a little patience we can do that together. And we have a slight issue with communication, not that we don't communicate, its that we both think on two totally different planes, and well the way he or I says something can be totally interpreted ten ways from Sunday by the other. We don't exactly mesh perfectly together, and thats part of what I love so much. I love everything about us. Although there is a few things I could live without.

These few things consist of our inability to be completely open, and its not that we lie, or necessarily hide anything, its just that we were both such secluded people these last eighteen years, its been quite difficult to break the habit. Another thing I could live without is his desire to always please me, so he tries not to say anything that will upset me, or get me mad at him. What he doesn't realize is that usually I'm not mad at him but mad at myself. That leads me to the part where I would like to better show my emotion to him, I may be angry but it doesn't mean it is pointed at him. The last thing I could live without, is the fact that while we are together, he is trying to hard to please me, that he looses all the qualities that make me love him so much, when we aren't dating I become the dependent one, and I love feeling that way. For once I love to feel dependent on someone, and every time we are in a legitimate relationship he strips that from me, and he becomes the dependent one. He needs to be my rock, not the other way around. I can be there for him, no problem with that, but can I please be needy for a while?

I guess what I am really saying is that I love him, and there is nothing that can change that. I'm not saying we are perfect for each other but that we are so imperfect for each other that we'll make it work. I want to be with him now, and now I shall call him, and be the stupid girl who gets to be needy. :D

Depth

I realized, recently, that the reason I don't like hugs and the reason I don't like the word Love is because no one uses them for their true depth, the extent of what they can make someone feel. I came to this knowledge as I sat brooding in the back of the choir room, and I was ambushed by someone, unaware that they would even bother to hug me. I nearly cried, but not because of the reason you thought, not because my anxiety kicked in but because that was what I desperately needed. A hug. A reminder that someone would care if I just happened to get run over by the next semi, or catch some life threatening virus. I realized that its not that I don't like these things, but that I love them. I love that feeling of being wanted. Of being needed in someone else life. I used to think that I hated being hugged, but really I hated the fact that people just used it as a greeting and not as a way to truly brighten some one's day. They just gave them away like they were less than a piece of candy. That is why I only accept hugs when I believe you or I truly need them. That's why I don't just throw the L word around without a care. Those two things mean a heck lot more than me, than a simple greeting or goodbye. They mean the world to me. They mean that I found a depth and sincerity from someone and I have another reason to hang out to this life when all I want to do is fold. Thank you Cam, Nica, Emmy, and Carmen for showing me that. I needed it.

For Fear of Upsetting You

It's strange, at first everything was perfect we had our plan, I had my plan down to a T. Then everything changed everyone fell in Love, including I. The difference is I made a promise and I wasn't backing out on it, and unlike everyone else I had no desire to fall in love and get married right out of high school, nor will I get married any time soon. I made this plans, these promises, and you were okay with the minor addition. I asked you. That's the difference. I ask, I try not to step on toes. I try to be a little considerate of the other people involved, and now this. Everything is just supposed to change, and I'm supposed to be okay with it, you never asked me. The one time we even talked about it, we agreed against it, so now what? Should I break my promise, our plan, just because I know the next few years will be a living hell if I agree. Or should I do what you want, and please you, because contrary to popular belief I am a lot more congenial than most would think. There is just that one time, when you prove how little I actually matter, and then its down hill from there, I lose respect, trust, and hope to salvage anything. Unfortunately that is the road we are on, care to make a detour, a change of destination, anything, or is it still expected to fall in my hands? Am I still expected to fix it and make it all better, make your life perfect, while you have no idea how bad mine is falling apart... again.

Who am I?

There four other parts of me, the parts that people see and accept.

The first is the one that people who don't know me see, people I share a class with. They see the quiet, shy girl, that is too passive. The one who tries not to interact with others, and avoids any and all confrontation.

The next part of me is the is the one that friends see, the one that is happy, and knows how to have a good time. The one who can make them laugh, and just hang with. She is outgoing and full of life.

She is crazy and shares a million inside jokes that came from some of the best moments in her life. She is always there for them when the need her, and she doesn't see how that could be any other way, her friends are her life. She is crazy and fun with them, that's how my best friends see me.

He sees me as the girl that isn't perfect, but absolutely perfect for him. He would never want to live without me, and can't wait to live with me. He loves me more than anything, and he shows it a lot.

All those are the real me, but none of them are how I see myself. I see myself as completely worthless. I am nothing. I am empty, void of feeling, and life. And if it weren't for the people stated above I would probably be literally void of life. That is who I am.

Fading

Well I noticed there is quite a depressive air about my blog, and even if that is the real me coming to the surface I think I should work a little harder to hide that.

Here goes:

I wore pink today, not something I choose to do on a regular basis. I felt good about myself, a shock. I lost four and a half pounds, something that made my day brighter, seeing as though I have always been the fat friend, or the short fat cousin, compared to the skinny, blond, of a bimbo, family member. What made me smile today? Hmm, good question.

Realized I can't find happy things, I am a depressed excuse for a human, won't write til I have something "good" to share.