Depth

I realized, recently, that the reason I don't like hugs and the reason I don't like the word Love is because no one uses them for their true depth, the extent of what they can make someone feel. I came to this knowledge as I sat brooding in the back of the choir room, and I was ambushed by someone, unaware that they would even bother to hug me. I nearly cried, but not because of the reason you thought, not because my anxiety kicked in but because that was what I desperately needed. A hug. A reminder that someone would care if I just happened to get run over by the next semi, or catch some life threatening virus. I realized that its not that I don't like these things, but that I love them. I love that feeling of being wanted. Of being needed in someone else life. I used to think that I hated being hugged, but really I hated the fact that people just used it as a greeting and not as a way to truly brighten some one's day. They just gave them away like they were less than a piece of candy. That is why I only accept hugs when I believe you or I truly need them. That's why I don't just throw the L word around without a care. Those two things mean a heck lot more than me, than a simple greeting or goodbye. They mean the world to me. They mean that I found a depth and sincerity from someone and I have another reason to hang out to this life when all I want to do is fold. Thank you Cam, Nica, Emmy, and Carmen for showing me that. I needed it.