Fading

Well I noticed there is quite a depressive air about my blog, and even if that is the real me coming to the surface I think I should work a little harder to hide that.

Here goes:

I wore pink today, not something I choose to do on a regular basis. I felt good about myself, a shock. I lost four and a half pounds, something that made my day brighter, seeing as though I have always been the fat friend, or the short fat cousin, compared to the skinny, blond, of a bimbo, family member. What made me smile today? Hmm, good question.

Realized I can't find happy things, I am a depressed excuse for a human, won't write til I have something "good" to share.

Once upon a time...

I was that girl, the one who talked to everyone, who tried to be happy when everything in the world seemed to be tearing her down. Once upon a time I was strong, but now you look at me and all you see is a defenseless stupid wreck of an almost adult. What happened to me? I was the strong kid, I held myself together through it all. When did that change. I can't seem to figure it out.

When I look at myself, I see the fat kid, the failure. Everyone else sees something different, I don't see how, I just can't manage to see it. He loves me, but I don't even love myself. I don't understand. I'm falling apart at the seams. He doesn't notice, I pretend to have it all together, like I even have a clue what I am doing. I don't. I know most people don't, I'm not trying to complain about the world and its cruelty. I just can't seem to figure anything out at all. I love him, at least I know that much. He loves me more, such a tragedy. I can't love him well, I can hardly love anyone. I fake this so well, usually I just get away with it. People like to mistake my pain for bitchiness, that's not what it is. Two people came into my life this year, and without them I don't think I would even try anymore. Monica Miller, you're my best friend, thanks for being there for me, even if I feel like I am never there for you. Thank you, you've kept me alive. Mason Driskell, I know I have put you through hell, but for some reason you seem to think I am worth it. I'm not. Sorry. I love you both more than I could manage to tell you. Thank you, there's more to this than there seems, but you guys are literally my saving graces.

People see the girl that doesn't care what other people think. People see what they want to see. I'm still dying, inside, a little bit each day. Each time I get dressed I mentally attack myself, I hate me. Each time you hold me, I remember why I'm holding on. Late nights with you, are the reason I keep trying. I don't know where I would be without you two. Please don't leave me alone. It seems everyone I ever cared about just abandons me. I am simply a convenient person to have around when their "true" friends are busy. Not with you guys. Thank you. I don't think I can really tell you how much you mean to me.

You guys are like my own doses of happiness, you keep pushing the darkness that is taking over me back a little bit, it comes back but it would have taken over me if it wasn't for you two. Other people help, but they wouldn't have saved me from myself. I could write so much longer but I think everyone really enjoys my depressing posts. I guess this one is more melancholy than anything.

When all seemed to fall into place...

something had to come along and knock me back down. See the thing is this "thing" that is going on doesn't pertain to me actually but instead to my best friend. A person who I have just gotten to know over the last year, someone who I don't think I could live without, and wouldn't dare try. I don't know if I should even be worried, and I keep telling her she shouldn't, but that is me being strong, trying to keep confidence up, and all that good jazz. I know that this isn't as serious as I am making it out to be, but when I was told about it all I could do was think I can't lose another person like this. I mean the last time it was all of a sudden no signs, no anything, one day someone who seemed perfectly healthy just died. When I heard that name, the tears started right away. I have been doing my damnedest not to cry, but the minute she left I let the tears start coming. I know what she has isn't the same, I know that it could be a false reading, it doesn't change the fact that for a moment there I was terrified my best friend was going to be leaving the world. I don't know much about this "thing". So this is where I go and do research and scare myself even more than I am now. I know I shouldn't even be scared but, I don't understand how this sort of thing just happens. She was perfectly fine, I hope that she still is, I just don't want this sort of thing happening all over again. I don't care if I sound selfish by this. I will take that title and be okay with it as long as nothing is wrong with her. I love her, she's my best friend and I would be nothing without her. Well now I am going to convince myself that everything is okay, and watch a movie pretend that is the reason for my tears. I know she is going to be okay, I know that it's a false positive. I know this, or at least I hope I do.