Depth

I realized, recently, that the reason I don't like hugs and the reason I don't like the word Love is because no one uses them for their true depth, the extent of what they can make someone feel. I came to this knowledge as I sat brooding in the back of the choir room, and I was ambushed by someone, unaware that they would even bother to hug me. I nearly cried, but not because of the reason you thought, not because my anxiety kicked in but because that was what I desperately needed. A hug. A reminder that someone would care if I just happened to get run over by the next semi, or catch some life threatening virus. I realized that its not that I don't like these things, but that I love them. I love that feeling of being wanted. Of being needed in someone else life. I used to think that I hated being hugged, but really I hated the fact that people just used it as a greeting and not as a way to truly brighten some one's day. They just gave them away like they were less than a piece of candy. That is why I only accept hugs when I believe you or I truly need them. That's why I don't just throw the L word around without a care. Those two things mean a heck lot more than me, than a simple greeting or goodbye. They mean the world to me. They mean that I found a depth and sincerity from someone and I have another reason to hang out to this life when all I want to do is fold. Thank you Cam, Nica, Emmy, and Carmen for showing me that. I needed it.

For Fear of Upsetting You

It's strange, at first everything was perfect we had our plan, I had my plan down to a T. Then everything changed everyone fell in Love, including I. The difference is I made a promise and I wasn't backing out on it, and unlike everyone else I had no desire to fall in love and get married right out of high school, nor will I get married any time soon. I made this plans, these promises, and you were okay with the minor addition. I asked you. That's the difference. I ask, I try not to step on toes. I try to be a little considerate of the other people involved, and now this. Everything is just supposed to change, and I'm supposed to be okay with it, you never asked me. The one time we even talked about it, we agreed against it, so now what? Should I break my promise, our plan, just because I know the next few years will be a living hell if I agree. Or should I do what you want, and please you, because contrary to popular belief I am a lot more congenial than most would think. There is just that one time, when you prove how little I actually matter, and then its down hill from there, I lose respect, trust, and hope to salvage anything. Unfortunately that is the road we are on, care to make a detour, a change of destination, anything, or is it still expected to fall in my hands? Am I still expected to fix it and make it all better, make your life perfect, while you have no idea how bad mine is falling apart... again.