Pain-Killers

As I was sitting in my room, alone, staring at the computer screen, a sudden realization occurred to me. Everyone dies. I knew this, everyone knows this simple fact. I've had family and friends die before, some classmates. I never really saw the grand idea of death though. One day my mom is going to die. I never really thought about this fact. She is my best friend, a world without her doesn't even seem plausible, let alone possible. My friends... which one of us will die first? I hope that I am the last to go. Not for any selfish reasons, like to have more time and have a long happy life, but because I couldn't bear to know my friends are going through so much grief and loss. I don't want them to have to go through the pain of losing those they care about. I also realized that people generally move on from those things, it's almost as if someone equally important was put into your life to prepare you for their deaths. I still can't imagine the torture of losing my best friends. The new people never really heal you, they're kind of just a pain-killer. I'm thankful for those people, someone to ease us out of our depression, someone who is going to care for us as much as we cared for our lost one. I think I have coined a new term for meeting new people, in my mind they will forever be known as pain-killers. As a side note this isn't an entirely sad Blog, I just started it on a depressing week.

So much has changed.

I just feel defenseless to stop it. I feel like I am standing still as everyone races past me, knowing where they are going and what they are doing. I don't. I'm stuck. I don't feel like the fish that is trying to go the wrong way up the river, I feel like the fish whose tail got stuck under the rock and all her friends kept on going and didn't even notice. I'm not saying that my friends don't care, what I am saying however is that it looks like they have it all together. That they know what they want out of life, and they are on their way to getting it. I remember being a little kid, I always knew what I wanted to be, knew how simple it was going to be. They lie to you as kids, they sugar-coat life, tell you how amazing it is, and from then on out you can't wait to grow up. I was one of those kids, I wanted to be a grown-up more than anything else. Now, I wish I could go back, I wish my only worry in life was whether or not I was "it" in tag, or if I could find another spot in the next game of hide-n-seek. I miss that. I miss all of it. I wish I had took the time to burn those memories into my mind. Most of them have depleted. Just been forgotten. I didn't think they would be that important. Boy, was I wrong. So here I am today, the person who didn't realize that friendship was important until her Junior year in high school. The person who feels alone at every corner. The sad thing is, I have no one to blame but myself.