If you care to notice the title of my blog, you will understand the title of this post. I will warn you now, if mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey feelings make you nauseous, than avoid stop all further reading immediately.
I recently came to the conclusion that I need to stop pushing him away, when all I want is to be closer to him. It doesn't matter if I think he deserves so much more than me, he chose me. He'll forever choose me. And I couldn't love him more for that decision alone. The way he still wants me, when I hate myself, when I hate him most days. The way I point out everything he does wrong, and he believes it is a good thing, and how I push him to be a better person. Or at least try. I love how he will play with my hair until I point out that he is doing it. I adore the way he will just stare at me for minutes in silence, and its not awkward. And how intimate things can be between us without it being physical. I love all of those things and more, but what I don't love, is that it takes us breaking up for me to remember these things, and why I want to live with him, and one day marry him, and eventually have a family of my own with him. He doesn't know all that, not exactly. But I do. And the day I get to say those three letters, I won't feel like I am saying that I am his property, but that we can not be separated, no matter the distance between us. We will always be together, until forever.
Some things we do need to work on, and every couple does, there is always room for improvement, until you're laying next to each other under an old willow tree, and there is nothing left in this world but a memory of your love, that will forever linger. I want that, a love so strong and passionate, that people will talk about it for years and years after our death. When I imagine us, it comes out as a fifties sort of video, we have such a young and timid, yet incredibly strong and passionate love. I imagine myself in that era a lot, not because of any desire to be there, but we fit the look. I started this paragraph about our struggles, and I shall get back on that topic. We may be too passionate, and some people may call it lust, I did recently, but more thought into it, and came to the conclusion that I do love him. I was afraid that I was only lusting after him. I have now found that I believe that all love has a little lust. Another thing, is we need to grow up, we need to get our lives together, but I am realizing that with a little patience we can do that together. And we have a slight issue with communication, not that we don't communicate, its that we both think on two totally different planes, and well the way he or I says something can be totally interpreted ten ways from Sunday by the other. We don't exactly mesh perfectly together, and thats part of what I love so much. I love everything about us. Although there is a few things I could live without.
These few things consist of our inability to be completely open, and its not that we lie, or necessarily hide anything, its just that we were both such secluded people these last eighteen years, its been quite difficult to break the habit. Another thing I could live without is his desire to always please me, so he tries not to say anything that will upset me, or get me mad at him. What he doesn't realize is that usually I'm not mad at him but mad at myself. That leads me to the part where I would like to better show my emotion to him, I may be angry but it doesn't mean it is pointed at him. The last thing I could live without, is the fact that while we are together, he is trying to hard to please me, that he looses all the qualities that make me love him so much, when we aren't dating I become the dependent one, and I love feeling that way. For once I love to feel dependent on someone, and every time we are in a legitimate relationship he strips that from me, and he becomes the dependent one. He needs to be my rock, not the other way around. I can be there for him, no problem with that, but can I please be needy for a while?
I guess what I am really saying is that I love him, and there is nothing that can change that. I'm not saying we are perfect for each other but that we are so imperfect for each other that we'll make it work. I want to be with him now, and now I shall call him, and be the stupid girl who gets to be needy. :D
